Saturna

lately it seems to me that all of us humans walk around so sure that we are right, making decisions or statements based on what we think is understood or what is best for business, without even stopping just for a moment.

just so you know, i am including myself in this humanity, not judging, just pondering. each day i wake up and do my best to live with integrity, put my heart into what i do, and be able to look myself in the mirror before i go to bed at night.

despite this, i sometimes have that feeling that it matters not, it has no effect on things, or at least it so appears. i can explain myself, express myself again and again, but if people do not want to hear it, they will not. i can do my thing, and people may not like it. i can play the sickest music and clear a dancefloor. i can state how i feel or what i think and see that it makes no difference, but more. i can be sincere, or even say nothing, and still be assumed or judged, or it even be assumed that i am judging. my motives can be questioned, my actions or choices criticized, my entire being deemed as suspect, or what have you.

so it is a double-edged sword. say something and feel misunderstood, don't say anything and feel pent up.

but i will say this: my life feels good right now. it is humble, i am broke. i may not live up to the expectations of my father or my mother or my friends or anyone else. hell, i don't even live up to my own expectations, which are no doubt higher than those of any other. i am far from perfect. i may be hurt and even angry at the ways that i and others that i love are treated, because sometimes people do act pretty selfish and mean. or maybe they just do not think before they speak or take actions that affect others.

it does not matter. i can no more expect others to live up to my expectations than they can expect me to live up to theirs. it really is about me living up to my own expectations (provided i do not set myself up to ridiculous standards) and doing no harm.

i have faith, more than i ever have, that everything is going to be ok. i could spend my whole life attempting to be understood, or i can just live my life, doing the best i can. i let go of the need for approval and validation from anyone. i have my own.

This entry was posted on Tuesday, July 18th, 2006 at 5:14 pm and is filed under Journal. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.