Saturna

despite the fact that things have been feeling really hard to me lately, i truly have been making an effort not to get down. i do not want financial woes to dictate my mood. i grew up without much money and still feel that my childhood was a good one - i was loved - there was no doubt of this.

regardless of my efforts, i have had fits of anger and an overriding sadness that it seems like more and more things just go wrong. and then i get to wondering what it is about my viewpoint or energy that is contributing to this. do i lack a feeling of abundance? have a made a wrong turn?

or is my life to be one of sacrifice? keep in mind i realize that this is a ego-oriented thought. i feel somewhat ashamed to even type it, because in the big picture, i am blessed. this knowledge creates a disconnect in my brain where i feel guilty for feeling bad or angry or sad, and end up blaming myself, being highly disappointed in myself for so many reasons. so in the midst of this train of thought, i am working at a regular client's house, and see a new magnet on their fridge which has a favorite quote of mine:

Everything is o.k. in the end. If its not o.k., then its not the end.

i am not sure who initially said this, but i sure hope they are correct. because everything does not feel o.k. to me right now. but i do have hope that it will be. i am aware that i have a great part in making that happen, and that my negative, self-flagellating thought patterns are doing nothing but keeping me in a stuck place.

so, good. awareness is a great and necessary element needed for change. then i get smacked in the face of that i am not sure how, or am unprepared, to take action. not positive what action. brain overriding heart, full-being shut-down, frozen. gemini-esque mental workings instead of the much needed sagittarian-north-node intuition based action. the story of my life, of all of my lives.

i would like to get this one right - or at least take a few steps in the right direction, because let me not be dogmatic here and hold myself up to perfection. but is there that moment? that one where it is crystal clear what the best course of action is? because each moment i have one of those, infinite what-ifs come crashing down on me and i feel like i cannot breathe.

i feel like i plant good seeds. maybe i use the wrong fertilizer, or maybe, i am too impatient. and so to myself, i say, through the words of Rilke:

Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart. And try to love the questions themselves.

gosh that is so hard, but i must. if i am not patient with myself, how can i be so with anyone else? and while i need to be patient with myself, i also need to let go - or ask the universe, my higher self, to help me do that. let it all hit the fan and land where it lands.

This entry was posted on Friday, December 1st, 2006 at 9:04 am and is filed under Journal. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.