Saturna

why it is that i have not been writing much.

part of me feels like the only gusto i have for creativity, or at least creativity in the form of writing, comes from angst. but i don't like the idea that good art only comes from torture of sorts, and i definitely don't feel as if this is a place where i simply want to purge all of my inner turmoil and aggravation at the toils of daily life.

yet i want to write.

maybe i made that cardinal mistake of blogging by letting my website be known to friends and family before i go on a roll of writing. i think some part of me is trying to please too many people. (imagine that!)

and then of course there is the whole having this little amazing being that will be two years old next week. and the complete rehaul i am doing of the minutiae of my house, and gigs, and work. sometimes when i sit at my computer i just sit. and stare. and don't so much of anything at all.

and sometimes i am so in my brain that i cannot get a coherent sentence out, or at least, not one that would make any sense to anyone without pages of background.

my expression has really been on point musically lately, i will say. my saturday weekly at Dish, which was originally to be shared with my dear friend Brad, has become only me for the full four hours. i enjoy playing with Brad, so i was sad that he decided to opt out, but i am fully supportive of his photography and family efforts, and i must say i really enjoy that full four hours. i am getting to experiment a lot, playing a lot of music that until now i only shared with myself and the empty (and sometimes no-so-empty, lord save those souls) houses as i sing with all my heart while i clean that toilet.

i am surprised at what people are feeling. i get the biggest reaction to the the music i feel the least confident playing - downtempo and broken beat. i meld it all together with house, and always end up with a solid house jam to end the night, but there is always that person who comes up to me when i feel like i am too far out on the plank, messing around in some area i have no clue about. they have a bright light in their eyes and they are really turned on by something, or by a lot, of what i have been playing. it feels good to share some of my favorite music without rules and boundaries, and to see it having an effect, to see others feeling it. i guess in some way that means that they feel me, which no matter how hard-nosed i act, i crave just like any five-year-old.

wow, i made an entry, imagine that!

This entry was posted on Wednesday, March 30th, 2005 at 8:44 am and is filed under I wonder. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.