Saturna

for nearly a year now, i have been making huge changes in my life. for the vast majority of that time, i have not been writing about those changes, or i have been being so veiled about what i am going through, that there has really been no release for me on this website. (so here we go, unedited, rough draft)

today i just really am hit with the idea that i am robbing myself of a great tool for expression in a pivotal time of my life... and why? because i am, still, despite all the changes i am making, taking care of the needs of others. at a time in my life when it is absolutely essential to take care of ME.

and isn't this interesting, when a lot of what is going on for me on a deep level is that i am learning how to do exactly that. i quit a job i was miserable in. i left a relationship that my heart had left long before. in so many ways, i AM taking better care of myself than i have in a long, long, long time. but i still find myself feeling trapped, and feeling as if i have to explain myself, or worry about other people's needs.

but today, i had a moment where i realized that i can consider the needs of others, and mine as well. see, me considering someone else's needs does not mean that i have to fulfill their needs. HUGE difference. it only means that i must, as a compassionate person, recognize what those around me are experiencing and honor it to what degree i can. see it. do my best to understand.

i get the sense that it does not appear that i am doing this at all. and it must be something to truly behold, and something quite difficult to deal with - this lorin who is adamant about her boundaries and her needs. so i can imagine, after years of not taking care of me, that this big change of me doing so is probably pretty hard to deal with, and may seem like i just do not give a damn.

nothing is further from the truth. i do give a damn. none of this has been easy for me, even though i am instigating the changes. but i do know what it is to want something from someone and them not be in the same place. and yes, in a certain sense that is hell. but that person is not responsible for MY want or need. that person might want to take it all into consideration and modify behavior or words accordingly, but ultimately, we are each responsible for our own needs. i am responsible for my own needs, and those of my son. and even for him, i am responsible only for basic safety and sustenance, and with providing him tools to fulfill his own emotional needs. he, still, is responsible for his emotions - i only help him deal with them as best i can.

so, yes, i give a damn, and i do consider a lot. sometimes i do not see so clearly how friendship and kinship cannot just be easily attained, how boundaries cannot just be respected. yes, i have my guard up, and that is a good thing. when someone is vulnerable, raw, and wounded, and in a process of healing - it is necessary to protect. it is completely right and good for me to want and need whatever time and space i can get right now. and i am tired of having to explain it and apologize for it, because it is what i need. utterly necessary for my personal growth and healing. my job, in fact, at this moment and time. and to me, friendship sees that and honors it without even having to ask. or at least, when it is spoken, clearly, it is heeded, honored, respected.

and these are not things that are changing based on my mood. this separation and distance is needed, this protection needed, and i have been honest about this throughout. this is not some cat and mouse game where i am changing up the rules and sitting back and seeing what happens, just for jokes. i am going through tremendous change, finding out who i really am and what i really want in this life, MY life, and i am not sorry for it, not one bit. so if someone needs me to give something into fulfilling their needs, i have to say, honestly, that there is no way i can do that right now. i do not know when i may or if i will even want to, at any point in the future. and however callous or cold that may seem, i am being as honest as i know how.

now, given this, i see that perhaps it is too much to expect friendship, in the way that i mean it at this point and time, given that i cannot fulfill needs and that mine require time and space in spades. so i see that perhaps i have been viewing this all in a way that does not allow friendship its own necessary time and space. perhaps i have been foolish to think that close friendship can be maintained while i am in the midst of such self-revolution. i am meditating on this and working on considering the best ways forward - for myself and with consideration of others. truly i wish peace and growth and happiness. truly i wish to come from a place of non-judgment, a place that recognizes your path (the general and the specific) while remaining true my own. maybe this means i will lose some friendship. but, i certainly feel that taking the time and space i need will not lose me anything that is meant to be in my life - anything that is a true friendship.

no matter what, i have to take care of me before i can even consider anything beyond that. when the oxygen masks fall down, you have to put your own on first, before you can set about making any kind of sense of anything. believe it or not, even while i put that mask on, i do care, and i do consider, and i am doing the best thing i know in each moment, while sending love and peace throughout. and i have faith, that this is good enough, and all of the rest will fall out how it will.

This entry was posted on Wednesday, December 5th, 2007 at 1:18 am and is filed under Journal. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.