Saturna

i posted that last quote because it made me think of my friend courtney, a wonderful writer and sparklingly alive freshman in college, who has a great site here.

she wrote a couple of entries on expectations, and doing what you love. it set me to thinking and i noticed that Didion quote in some random stuff i was reading. i was going to leave it at that, but i have been thinking more.

...thinking about how when i was courtney's age i was busy living up to my father's expectations, and not doing a very good job of it. he wanted me to go to an academic intensive high school instead of following my path with music. i did, and did so well that i gained admittance to my college of choice - University of Pennsylvania.

so that is great, right?

nope. dad didn't want me to go to Penn, despite the fact that it was Ivy League and where i wanted to go. he wanted me to go to UofM, on a full scholarship, which i would have been awarded had i even applied. (it was so beneath me at that point, hah!)

now, years later, i see things a little more clearly. dad was acting from a strict parenting mindframe - smart finances, etc, etc. had i listened to him i might not be 14k in debt on student loans - but i would not have been living my own life. incidentally, i am back with music, and more importantly, raising my son - something no degree can prepare you for.

funny thing, expectations... how we put them on people, how we base our actions on what others put on us. i am quite sure i am not so clear on much of it at all...

but i do know this: feels like a lot of my life i have been trying to live up to someone's expectations of me. my fathers, my boyfriends, my friends, and now, my son. about the only legitimate one in the bunch, i would say, is my son - and even then, i have to make clear to him that i am not on this earth to simply be his nursing machine, or do everything he wants at the drop of a hat.

now, i am not talking about expectations of honesty within relationships, for example, or the basic respect one has for a friend. i am talking about things that people want me to be, according to what they would like. well guess what? i am me. i might wear jeans you don't like, because they are comfortable to me. i might not wear the jeans you do like, because they are not comfortable to me. i might want to have a few beers, even if you don't like it. i might not want to have a few beers, even if you think i could stand to 'let loose.' i might like to watch ridiculously over-the-top TV shows, or long and drawn out 'thinking' movies. i might like to not talk to anyone for days, keeping my nose in a book, or i might like to talk your ear off for hours.

and since it is apparent in the above listed that i am not the same all of the time, it is quite unlikely that i will live up to anyone's expectations. shit, i sure haven't been able to live up to my own - which, by the way, are probably much harder than anyone else's to live up to.

this is not meant to be mean, hurtful, or even an in-your-face statement of who i am or what i want. this is, rather, a stream of consciousness (as much as is possible for my structured brain) exposition on who i am, and doesn't even begin to scratch the surface of what i want. i have, for a long time, had little time and energy to spare for that particular conundrum, and am only now beginning to carve that time out for myself. i guess we'll see how it goes.

in the meantime, i ponder what my own expectations are. what is it that i expect from myself? i think being clear on that is a good start.

This entry was posted on Monday, January 9th, 2006 at 6:49 pm and is filed under Journal. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.