Saturna

right now i am supposed to be having brunch with my classmates from my first Meisner class. i got up, had a sweet hour with jah isaac, then got us dressed and out the door. we talked about being good at the restaurant and juice and french toast and syrup and he was really excited.

but the minute we walked into that door he turned into mr. hyde. refused to sit down at the table despite any number of bribes, and a calm talk outside. i had to leave before i even got to sit down.

i really try to keep a positive attitude and a perspective that takes into account his age and volatility. i mean, he is only three. but, (and here comes the rant) i am at my wit's end right now.

we have had a really hard week. constant refusal to do as i ask kindly, pushing me to timeout, then punching me in the face on the way to timeout. timeout, timeout, timeout. introspection on my part to determine if i am not being consistent enough. increased consistency, resulting in even more timeout.

i am, frankly, over it for the moment. i know this is all a test, and a process, but damnit, when is it going to get a little easier? is it ever? is that a pipe dream?

it helps none that childcare is either thirty minutes (and lots of gas) away, or that the childcare that is close requires money, which i don't even have for groceries at the moment. even when i do get familial childcare, i feel like i am imposing - it is never offered, i always have to ask, and often do not get return phonecalls.

and here i am trying to find a fulltime job. i am scared to death that it will be the death of me. that every moment i am not at work will be caretaking and that i will have even less free time than i do now, and no time for music. creatively and spiritually dead lorin is not acceptable, and will not be fun for anyone to be around.

admittedly i am in a pretty pissed off and down mindstate right this minute. feeling like i always come last, and tired of it. maybe i just need a nap. maybe i will feel better after this rant. maybe soon there will be more progress in jah isaac's behavior. maybe the change to a full time job will be beneficial in the end.

in this moment it sure does not feel like it.

This entry was posted on Sunday, June 25th, 2006 at 10:20 am and is filed under Motherhood. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.